She sat by herself at the
bar of the
restaurant. Her only company was a book. I
sidled up near her, two stools apart, maybe there, as casual as I
could muster. I
would quote
what I
said, but my attempt at a
joke
sputtered out of
me so poorly that I’m not even sure it made sense. She looked up at me and there was a
moment of silence between us so awkward, you could have
stabbed me
in
the groin and I wouldn’t have
noticed.
Her face quickly went from confusion to disgust as my mind raced for
some sort
of recovery. Some sort of new, more cleverer joke to make
up
for my failed
attempt at my original, semi-clever joke. Nothing came.
In the past, I
sulked away in this situation, having embarrassed myself again. But this time something in me snapped — or
not
snapped, but resigned itself. I
sighed and said, “I’m sorry, I
was
trying to be clever. I
just wanted to meet you.”
The
air eased between us, her disgusted faded and she gave me kind of
a friendly grin, “It’s OK. It was a
nice
try
I guess.”
I laughed, “No it wasn’t.”
She
laughed and I
sat down next to her.
There’s a lot of advice on attracting women out there. And what most of it
misses is that attraction, seduction, intimacy, sex, whatever
you want to call it —
is
an emotional process, not a physical or social one. You can say the
“wrong” things and still attract a
woman. You can say all of the “right”
things and repel
her. What matters is the
intention, the
motivation, the authenticity. To improve your dating life, you must improve your emotional life
— how you feel about yourself
and
others, how you express yourself
to
others, etc.
It’s not about learning lines or
routines or dressing up a
certain way. It’s about unmasking the unique and attractive
man
within yourself and joyfully expressing it to the
women of
the
world.
That may sound vague, but it has very real repercussions on your
interactions with women.
People
choose who they’re
going to be
with based on how they feel around that person. For
us
men, it’s often quite
simple. A beautiful woman makes us feel
aroused, so we pursue
sex with her. If
we feel cared for, respected and admired by her, we
pursue a relationship with her.
But women experience sexuality differently than we do, so it’s can be
a bit more complicated and hard for us to decipher
what makes them feel attracted to us. But the
principle
remains the same. Women go with men who make them feel a certain way. There
are a number of
ways to elicit emotion in a woman, and the way in which you go about eliciting that emotion will determine the quality and quantity (or
lack thereof) of the relationships you have with women.
What’s I’m saying is this: you’ll find a lot of
varying advice
out there on how to
attract women —
some will say to tease
them, some will say to be
selfish and rude around them, some will say to buy them gifts, others will say to be
cold and calculating — whichever of these avenues you
choose
to
pursue with women, that
is
the corresponding relationship you’ll create.
If you choose
to
be cold, calculating and manipulative with women, you will naturally screen for
women who will create a
cold, calculating and manipulative relationship with you. If
you pursue
women with a neediness and an idealization of them, then you will attract equally naive and insecure women who will create a
relationship of neediness and false
idolization. If you pursue women in a
rude
and harsh manner, you will attract women who respond to harsh emotions and elicit harsh emotions themselves.
At MarkManson.net, I encourage
men
to pursue
women with honesty and authenticity because this screens for women who are honest, authentic
and
conscientious themselves, making for
far better relationships.
The
other reason I encourage men to pursue women with authenticity is that
communicating your sexuality with women openly forces you to become
a confident and integrated man. In the short-term, this can be more painful and
difficult. But in the
long run, this reduces emotional neediness and mold you into a
bold and confident man who draws women to him like
a magnet.
A Man
of Status
It is important to mention that there is not yet any consensus on what attracts women to men. Science has found dozens of factors, some major, some minor, but there is no overarching model that is agreed upon by everyone. Anyone
who
tells you otherwise is lying to you.
Many of these
traits which determine
attraction are
completely out of
our
control: genetic make-up, physical features, testosterone levels, social perceptions, where
a woman is on her ovulation cycle, etc. We can’t control these so there’s little reason to worry about them.
And then there
are the traits which ARE within our
control: our lifestyle choices, our occupation, how we
dress and groom ourselves, our health and fitness, our confidence, our lack of neediness, and our
behavior.
This is a lot to juggle around. So it helps to find some
underlying principles to attraction, a common denominator of all attractive
behaviors and qualities (or
at least most of them).
And research shows that the largest common denominator
when studying what
attracts women to men is that men who are perceived to be of
higher status
around women tend to attract them more
often.
It’s no surprise then that status gets mentioned the
most often in dating advice and pick up material. It’s ubiquitous, and yet there
are a number
of interpretations of what actually constitutes status. There’s outward status (money, resources, nice
clothes)
and behavioral displays of
status (confidence,
dominance, leadership). There are arguments on both sides of
which drives
which: does having money and prestige lead to confidence
and leadership? Or does being a confident leader
create wealth and prestige?
My personal belief
is
the latter. And not only is there some
research supporting that women are
attracted to potential status as
much as they are
attracted to status itself, but I
feel
like I have
a fair
amount of
experience
in
this area. For
a period of
time toward the end of
college and the
first two years afterward, I was
dead broke, living on my friend’s couch for a
period of time, unemployed
(usually)
and
still going out and partying quite a bit. This didn’t slow me
down.
In fact, I
attracted a
significant number
of
older women who took me under their wing and wanted to support me during this period until I
got on my feet.
I believe that status in a male is determined
by his behavior. Outward displays of status can create opportunities (cars, money, nice clothes), but don’t
create lasting attraction themselves. They are the effects of
high status behavior,
not the causes.
Sexual attraction from women is determined by status, status is determined by behavior, and what determines whether
a man has attractive behavior or
not is his perception of himself
relative to those around him, particularly women. I
refer to this concept as neediness and believe
the degree of
a man’s neediness
around women will determine
how attractive
or unattractive his behavior around
them
will be.
For instance, a needy man may come
up
with really clever
jokes and have
a great job, but he
will use them to impress her and get validation from her
— needy behaviors —
and will therefore be perceived to be
unattractive. Whereas a non-needy man may talk about silly conversation topics, openly admit that he’s
between jobs, but get very excited and passionate
about his rock climbing
hobby. Believe it or not, this man will be seen as attractive because his behaviors will be genuine, authentic, and non-needy. The reason is he’s basing his behavior around her on his perception of himself
and not her perception of him.
The
needy man, despite having a
nice
job
and clever things to say, is a
follower.
He’s a pawn of those around him. He will only go so far. The
non-needy man,
even though he may be a bit aimless and in a downturn in his life, he
will end up living an enriching and unique life that suits him and makes him happier.
If a man values the perceptions of others more
than
his perception of
himself, then he will naturally behave in an unattractive
way
around them. If he
trusts his
perception of himself more than the perceptions of
those
around him, then he will be perceived as a non-needy man, and therefore
behave attractively. All of the
outward appearances of status and resources —
the
fitness, the nice clothes, the cool lifestyle
— these things are a result of a man who is inwardly driven, a man who invests in himself and takes care of himself.
When all is said and done, all attractive traits in a man
can be traced back
to his lack of neediness.
Please
note, I am NOT saying that a
man
should disregard the perceptions of others, or that he
should trash or
disrespect the perceptions of others — only that
he should believe in his perception of himself
more
than the perceptions of
those
around him.
Neediness plays itself out in many forms. I imagine
you’ll recognize at least a
few of these examples (sorry in advance
for some of the painful memories):
ñ Calling a woman many times in succession because she didn’t call you back and never getting an answer. NEEDINESS
ñ
Straining to come
up
with a funny line or clever
joke
in
order to impress a
woman or
to
get her to like
you. NEEDINESS
ñ Memorizing lines or routines to meet women and avoid rejection.
NEEDINESS
ñ Accepting that if
a woman doesn’t call you back that she probably wasn’t
the right woman for
you anyway. NON-NEEDINESS
ñ Lying to a
woman to make yourself
appear more interesting or attractive.
NEEDINESS
ñ Expressing your
sexual interests and desires openly and honestly. NON-
NEEDINESS
ñ Hiding your
flaws, accepting no criticism of yourself. NEEDINESS
ñ
Being unafraid of
exposing your flaws. Being comfortable with not being
perfect. NON-NEEDINESS
ñ Feeling the need to be “dominant”
or
in control of
an
interaction at all
times. NEEDINESS
ñ
Resenting the women you date, or
assuming they’re inferior or
dumber
than you. Treating them like children. NEEDINESS
ñ
Treating women as equals, and having standards about only dating women
who you enjoy and who make
you happy. NON-NEEDINESS
ñ
Investing in improving yourself
for
yourself, not to impress women or
make
people like you. NON-NEEDINESS
ñ
Improving yourself
only to impress those around you. Doing what you think will make
people like
you instead of doing what you like.
NEEDINESS
You’ll notice
that a
number
of the behaviors labeled “needy”
above
are behaviors taught in other dating advice as legitimate
ways to attract women.
Needy behavior
will only attract other needy women. Neediness finds its own level. So if you’re
an angry, misogynist who lies to women to get them to sleep
with you, the only women who will tolerate your behavior
long enough to sleep with you will be
angry, distrusting women who lie to get things from men. If
you are open and honest about your intentions and genuinely care
about the
women you meet and interact with, then you will attract genuine and caring
women who will be honest with you.
This is referred to as the assortment effect in psychology and it has been demonstrated in numerous studies.
Chances are if you’ve been highly needy in the past, then you’ve engaged in dysfunctional relationships with women who were highly needy in similar or complementary ways. Or, if you’ve been with few or no women, or are unable
to attract any women, then chances are
you’ve
been so needy in your
behavior that
you’ve
remained alone.
If you want to be with amazing women who are
open, loving, independent, supportive
and nurturing, then you need to become the male equivalent. You need to become
an honest, open, and strong man who believes in himself, takes
care
of
himself, and is proud of
the
amazing life he’s made for
himself. Attracting women is not about appearing attractive, it’s about being
attractive.
And we haven’t even gotten to the desire part yet.
Bravery
and Desire
“The biggest aphrodisiac
in
the world is someone who likes you and isn’t afraid to show it.”
- Me
Yes, I
just quoted myself in my own article. I know, I
know, that’s pretty self- aggrandizing and probably unnecessary. But it’s my site
and it’s a
pretty awesome
quote, so fuck it, we’ll do it live.
(Note: For
what it’s worth, this quote by me
was
passed around the dating advice
industry more than anything else
I’ve
ever
said or
written, so I’m not completely making stuff up here. I mean I did write a whole 350-page
book on this stuff, so cut me some
slack.)
Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah…
If status creates sexual attraction in women, then demonstration of desire
creates sexual arousal in women.
Without getting too deep into the
research on female arousal (it’s messy and confusing, which shouldn’t surprise
you), the
leading theory on female
arousal is
women are
turned on by bold behaviors, displays of bravery, and direct sexual desire, particularly when directed at the
woman who is getting aroused.
Whether it’s Fabio the Firefighter or
the
sexy surfer who braves the 20 foot waves in frigid waters or the
solider coming home from Nowhere-istan, displays of
bravery turn women on more
than anything else. If
you don’t believe me, go to your local book store and look at the romance novels. Romance novels are
basically porn for women, and you’ll find that they all feature warriors, soldiers, bad boys, race
car drivers, football players, firefighters, jet pilots, and enter-
your-super-sexy-and-dangerous-occupation-here.
And not only are these men racy and exciting, but they’re
usually brash and debonair
— they say what they want and go after it without apology.
But what does this mean for a couple regular
guys like you and me?
It means being nervous around her
is
going to be a pretty big turn off. Afraid to talk to her, afraid to ask her out, afraid to kiss her, afraid to take
her
home — Fabio the
Firefighter wouldn’t be
afraid to ravish the shit of her, so why should
you?
What it means is that despite every woman you’ve
ever
heard complain about men hitting on them, bold displays of interest actually work in your favor the majority of
the
time, as long as they’re
demonstrated in a manner that is not too
threatening or disrespectful.
Some examples (for better or worse, these are taken from experience):
ñ Telling a
woman she’s beautiful and you’d like to get to know her
better.
GOOD IDEA
ñ Whistling at a girl on the street and calling her names. BAD IDEA
ñ
When a woman seems interested in you, just grabbing her
and trying to kiss her. GOOD IDEA
ñ
Following a woman for
three blocks telling her
what you want to do to her sexually. BAD IDEA
ñ Telling a
woman you’re kissing where and how you’d like to have sex
with her. GOOD IDEA
ñ
Touching a woman inappropriately when you don’t know her or have
not
received interest from her. BAD IDEA
Men typically underestimate
how
forward they can be with women. And they
vastly underestimate
how
effective
being forward and open about their sexual desires is with women who are
attracted to them.
As one
member
of my Sexual Confidence Program recently wrote:
“I approached a girl in the
mall and told her that I
thought her body was beautiful. She smiled and said “Thank you.”
She was ecstatic. I wasn’t nervous [saying it], but I felt like it was wrong. But then as I saw the
positive
reaction from her and the other girls I said this to, I
started feeling empowered. I developed a unusual sense of confidence… I’m a
sexual male, and know they they are sexual women. And that it’s natural to act as such.”
A proper and honest sexual expression is powerful, and in our society, rare.
In fact, there’s a LOT of societal pressure
to
hide and disassociate from our sexuality. Many of us grow up with a
great deal of sexual shame. And not only
does this keep us afraid of expressing our sexual desires openly, but it creates an unhealthy neediness and worship of
sex.
Because honest and respectful demonstrations of
sexuality are so rare, not only are women aroused by it, but it often hits them like
a breath of
fresh air.
The ‘Why?’
Question
What gets lost in most of the dating advice out there, and what is so fundamentally important to your happiness and success with the women you meet, is why you behave in certain ways rather
than others.
In communication, what motivates your behavior is just as important as the behavior itself.
We all have known someone
who
was too “try hard,” someone who seemed
desperate for the attention or
validation of those
around them. Maybe
it
was a guy at work who needed to always be
right, or
a girl who complained about everything so people would feel sorry for her, or the friend who did crazy things to impress his friends and be cool.
Likely these people annoyed you and they annoyed women.
When it comes to being non-needy, if you are trying to be non-needy so you can
be more attractive, then you’re
paradoxically being needy. I
know that sentence
probably made your
brain explode, so let’s try it again.
You should adopt
non-needy behaviors because you
care about
yourself and
want
to improve yourself. Attracting women should be a side-effect
of that desire.
If you attempt to adopt non-needy behaviors in attempt to impress others, you are still being needy. You are faking it, and you will eventually be exposed. The only way to develop a genuine attraction through women is by genuinely investing in yourself.
When it comes to expressing sexual desire openly, if you’re
doing it because
you
think it’s what a woman wants to hear, then your actions are going to come
across as inauthentic
and
she will not trust you. If you treat telling a woman
she’s beautiful or sexy and want to sleep with her
as a “line” or a “strategy” to
be memorized or
adopted, then women will smell your neediness like a rank pair
of underwear and turn you down.
Expressing sexual desire
is
an internal process. It’s a process of removing your internal barriers to sharing your
sexuality with others. Recognize that you will be rejected and turned down by a
lot
of women regardless of
whatever
you do. Accept this and appreciate
it. But if you measure success with women by lack of rejection, then you will always be disappointed. If you measure success with women by the enjoyment and honesty of your interactions with them, then you can easily have
a 100% success rate.
This is an internal and emotional process, not an external behavioral one. The external behaviors are
an internal side effect, not the
cause of
the attraction.
And becoming an attractive man of status is a process of investing in yourself and caring about yourself. Again, this is an internal and emotional process —
how
you feel about yourself, how you perceive
yourself, how much you care about yourself — and bringing beautiful women into your life is a
side-effect of
that internal investment.
External investment will lead you nowhere. At best, it will bring superficial or dysfunctional relationships, and at worst it will bring you absolutely nothing. Yes, absolutely nothing. Proceed with caution.